People-Pleasing Pastors
BOOK SNAPSHOT: "Unhealthy people pleasing is a common leadership problem among today's pastors, affecting more than 70 percent to some degree. Since it acts much like a virus, a strong leadership 'immune system' is needed to counter it. By incorporating insight from the Bible, family systems and neuroscience, a pastor can develop a healthy immune system. Because of the immature ways many of us handle ongoing negative emotions (chronic anxiety), people pleasing is mostly driven by the emotional parts of our brains rather than the thinking parts. When we grow in our emotional maturity (differentiation of self) in both our inner world (thinking and feeling) and our out world (individuality and connectedness), we are less apt to people please. We mature by developing others and ourselves into PRESENT leaders instead of pleaser leaders." (Charles Stone, People-Pleasing Pastors: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Approval Motivated Leadership, p.25).
This book has become one of the most important gifts that I have ever been given in life, not only for pastoring, but also for simply being me. God has used this book to bring about enormous life-transformation. Here's why. My entire life I have struggled greatly with being a people-pleaser, because I have painfully suffered from a disease called; "I want everyone to like me!" This chronic personality disease that I grew up with became even more uncontrollable when Jesus called me into full-time ministry back in 2002, as it negatively plagued my life for the first 12 years of pastoral ministry.
In the introduction, Dr. Charles Stone says, "I wish I'd known twenty-five years ago what I've written about in this book. I could have avoided a lot of heartache in our family and in the churches I served. I've learned that healthy and successful leadership has little to do with what I can do to get others to like me. Rather, it has everything to do with my identity in Christ, with what's in my heart and my head. What I had assumed indicated success in leadership - limited criticism and people liking me - was the opposite of what actually does." p.15 He goes on to point out that "Constant criticism is, if anything, often a sign that the leader is functioning better!"
THE BIG PICTURE: But how can we identify the specifics of people pleasing? How do we know if we are loving others and showing kindness, considering their needs above our own, or falling into the trap of people-pleasing? Dr. Stone says, "It’s sometimes hard to know when we actually please God. So, as a tangible way to please him, we try to please people through our service, preaching and leading. When others approve, we assume God approves. But here’s where the challenge comes. How do I discern if my motives are rooted in pleasing God or in pleasing others? That’s what I hope People-Pleasing Pastors will help you do: sort out when your motivation is pleasing God and when you seek to please others in an unhealthy way." p.18 The bottom line and "big-picture" idea I received from this book in understanding how to discern between people pleasing and pleasing God is this: If I am doing certain things for others because I do not want to upset them or let them down, then I know I am people pleasing. However, if I am trying to bless and serve someone because I know its what God is calling me to do then I am honoring God and not succumbing to the disease of people-pleasing.
MY RECOMMENDATION: I wish this book would have been written when I went to seminary, because it covers one of the most important areas of pastoral ministry that is not only lacking, but is null and void in Christian seminary right now. I highly recommend this book, not only to you, but to every Christian University, and seminary across the world. This book will not only give you a God-pleasing backbone, but also give pastors and Christian leaders around the world a tool to equip them to be the most effective leaders of God's people they can possibly be.
I cannot emphasize enough how God has used this book to grow me as a husband, father, and a leader, by replacing my spineless "people pleasing" backbone, with a Christ-honoring, "God-pleasing" backbone. Not only do I experience a new level of joy in my life, but I am confident that I will never be plagued again by that paralyzing disease of people pleasing.
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